My 20-year career in helping people has taught me something. We are responsible for a lot of our pain through the people we choose. Relationships are an essential part of every clinical problem that psychologists address. These are some questions to consider:
- Are there similar feelings or issues that you have experienced in your previous relationships?
- Are you prone to falling in love or becoming close friends with people who hurt you?
- Are you curious about “good” ones?
- Are you prone to emotional turmoil when you choose someone who isn’t right for you?
- “How did you get into this?” is a common question.
Many people can identify with these feelings. They feel like their relationships are failing, and they wonder why. They wonder what they’re doing wrong and why they deserve to be treated this way.
Poor relational choices can be self-inflicted. However, it is possible to change them with some effort. Many people find themselves in one bad relationship after another and don’t stop to think about why. People assume that they are unlucky and don’t consider the possibility of better choices in their relationships.
Let’s first look at the most hurtful choices people make before we get into choosing. What is the wrong choice? Character is the key. How someone looks will determine whether they are a good fit for a relationship. Attractiveness is based on the outside of someone: their appearance, intelligence, and achievements. We also experience their innermost beings, their character how a person’s character shapes their relationship with others. They won’t be able to be successful in relationships if they don’t have the character to do certain things.
Over the years, I have worked with many people and found that relationship problems are caused by one or both parties being unable to fulfill the needs of a relationship. It is often because they lack emotional development in certain areas. The result is pain that needs to be met with basic requirements.
Throughout this article, we’ll discuss four principles that will help us choose the right person and be the right person.
Connectivity
Relationships are based on emotional connection. The term “bonds” describes our emotional attachments to other people. They are formed and sustained by the ability of someone to connect and share from the heart with all its emotional vulnerabilities.
People can often relate to one another on a superficial level. It is essential to be able and safe to share your heart with others in a long-term relationship. When evaluating the people you will be sharing your heart with, make sure you can trust them to respond to your vulnerability and your feelings. Also, ensure that they can share their heart with you. This is how relationships are formed and maintained. These are some questions to consider:
- Can they empathize and listen to your emotions? Are they able to share their feelings?
- Do they leave you feeling connected?
- Are you confident that your bond will be safe?
Boundaries
Respecting each other’s boundaries is another important aspect of a relationship. A border is a line of property that separates you from another person. A good relationship respects the other person and has a high level of respect.
You can determine if you feel in control or controlled by another person. This is how you will know if someone respects your boundaries. Healthy people will respect your right to choose what you do and not do. Are they unreasonable if you refuse to do something? Can they allow you to be independent of them and enjoy your space? Can they see you as an extension or part of themselves and have the right to do with you what they like? The following questions should be asked:
- Are they trying to get you to spend too much time with them? Can you say no and still be accepted by them?
- Are they pushing in other areas, such as the physical?
- Do they listen and respect your “no,” even when you push them further than you are willing to?
- Are they allowing you to express your opinions, values, and wishes differently than they are? Do you feel forced to conform to their vision of you?
- Are you satisfied with the way your choices are being respected? Do you feel that there is one “will” in a relationship? Are you unsure if it is “their way” or “the highway em
Perfectionism
A relationship’s ability to accept the flaws of its partners is another important aspect. We will not find the perfect person or be perfect in this world. How will each deal with the imperfections of the relationship?
Are you a victim of the “ideal” relationship pressure? This kind of relationship can lead to many problems and even disaster. Accepting yourself and being honest with your mistakes and faults can be difficult.
Perfectionism in dating relationships can manifest as the need to act or look a sure way to make your partner happy. It can also pressure you to make no mistakes or disappoint your friends. It can be to be the “trophy” child in parent-child relationships. This creates a parent happy and helps them live up to unrealistic expectations.
These are some questions to consider:
- Does being “less than perfect” with your partner make sense? What happens if you gain weight or don’t look the way your partner wants? What if your partner could be more successful?
- Do you feel free to tell someone that you made a mistake?
- Is it possible to be completely real with your partner? Are you willing to share your flaws and the parts of yourself that aren’t great with your partner?
- Do you feel “image pressures” in your relationship? Are you feeling pressured to look like someone you aren’t? Do you wish you could be yourself?
Equality
We will not be focusing on the ability of significant others to view you as equal in the relationship. The last quality we will look at is your ability to see yourself as an equal in the relationship. It works well with a child and a parent. However, adult friendships, dating relationships, and marriages are more complicated if one partner isn’t respected.
It is simply about being dominant. Dominating relationships can be hazardous and cause emotional stagnation for both parties. While these relationships can be very comfortable, they are often highly restrictive and miserable. Being under the control and influence of another person does not lead to intimacy. These questions will help you determine if there are equality issues in your relationship.
- Do you feel like the other person must always be in the better position?
- Do they make you feel like a child?
- Feeling dominated or put down? Even in a pleasant way?
- Does your relationship have a judgmental quality?
These character problems help to build and sustain relationships. You don’t care how attractive or charming someone is. When looking for a significant relationship, these traits should be considered as much as the other things that draw you to the person.
The Problem
While it would be great to identify these issues early and avoid problematic people, we are still determining how someone will react to certain situations. They may appear to have a healthy respect for boundaries today, but they could hoard your attention six months later. We can’t all judge each other perfectly. We can all do better!
Knowledge is only part of finding people with whom we can build healthy relationships. The most important part of the solution is our character. First, you must be a person with a healthy character to find people of good character. We must connect to find someone who can help us connect. You can only relate to someone who has good boundaries if you have good boundaries. To connect with someone real, you have to let go of your perfectionist ways.
Spiritual growth is the process of making changes in your own character. Spiritual growth is the process of developing our inner self to become the person God created us to be. As a result, we are able to have better character and make better decisions in important relationships. This takes work in our spiritual and makeup lives, which is not an easy task. For those who have faced this challenge, the rewards are well worth it.
Get to work. You will find a community that you can grow in your ability to connect, not be controlled by others, be authentic, and be equal. As you develop your spiritual life, you will be able to connect with God and others in a deeper manner. You will be amazed at the lifelong benefits.
